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The Keys of Attraction Part 2—Sexual Magnetism

Post 2

Whereas the attraction dimension of Confidence speaks to who your core identity is and how you show up in the world, the interrelated dimension of Sexual Magnetism communicates your sexuality and who you are as a sexual being to the world. Although it could be argued that this is really a subset of the broader Confidencedimension, due to it’s particular nature and depth of discussion required, it rightly deserves its own stand alone post.

Sexual Magnetism is the natural outcome of understanding and mastering the following four concepts: Sexual IdentitySexual ProwessSexual Comfort, and Sexual Escalation. Each subsequent layer builds upon and enhances the previous.

Sexual Identity
Your sexual identity is who you are as a sexual being. It is deeply reflective of our inner desires and yet, due to the perceived taboos surrounding sex in our modern society, it is typically the most hidden and often the most repressed part of ourselves. Paradoxically, it is one of the most powerful resources within ourselves, as it provides us with incredibly potent energy (that of sexual energy, the most basic foundation and source of creation in the world), and when tapped into, provides us with incredible power to express ourselves with sensational freedom and to attract others into our lives.

Understanding what turns you on
In order to determine your sexual identity, first you have to understand what turns you on. So often we are scared to even admit to ourselves that we have particular tastes and preferences. Societal taboos, and repressive upbringings and environments cause us to deny ourselves of appreciating our deepest desires. Left unchecked, these repressed desires can manifest into all sorts of frustration, bringing stress and and difficulty to relationships, and can even manifest into psychosomatic physiological conditions.

Ask yourself the following questions, as honestly as possible:

  • What are your greatest sexual fantasies (fulfilled and otherwise)? Knowing that you would never be judged for it, would you be prepared to act upon them or not, and why?
  • What is your true sexual orientation? Do you have hidden desires to experiment with same-sex partners as well as opposite-sex partners?
  • What are your hidden kinks? Do you enjoy being dominated, or submissive? Do you enjoy something a little more edgy? What sexy toys, accessories, etc., make your engine roar louder? Do you like different flavours of group sex? Do you want to experiment with threesomes or moresomes?
  • What style of sex do you enjoy? Do you like it harder? Softer? Do you like it with random people? Or do you need deep connection?
  • What style of sexual relationships do you desire? This is a big one for many people. The strict false constructs of the prescribed monogamous structure of relationships are breaking down as a thing of the past for many people. To be sexually “faithful” (a term I personally despise for its condescension towards alternative styles of relationships) to one person your entire life is a religiously-prescribed concept (as is “no sex before marriage”, which we all know is a load of nonsense) that, in this day and age of sexual availability and freedom is something that is not compatible with many people. Be truthful to yourself, and to your potential partners: would you prefer a monogamous or open relationship? Do you want to experiment with other people? Do you want sex without the confines of a typical relationship? Do you want to be both emotionally and sexually available to one or many people?

Remember, there is NO right or wrong answer here. Only the right answer for you. And the sooner you can understand and own it, the closer you are to sexual liberation, and sexual confidence, and the closer you are to finding your sexually compatible mate.

Owning Your Sexual Identity
Taking ownership over your kinks and sexual preferences is of paramount importance if you are going to liberate yourself from the thick layers of social conditioning, artificial belief systems and bullshit you’ve been exposed to since birth. Sex is so uniquely personal that nobody in the world has any right to dictate what your preferences should be, nor judge you for them, so far as nobody is getting harmed or hurt (unless with their express consent of course).

As you examine your answers to the questions in the previous section you should ask yourself: Who will judge me for this preference/kink? Why is that? If nobody is getting hurt by it, then what right have they to judge me? Isn’t that merely just a reflection of their own sexual anxieties and fears, or their own repressed desires?

Don’t be afraid of your own desires. Make frequent declarations to yourself: “I am a highly sexual being, and am unashamed of that. I like [insert kink here]_”, etc. Own it, matter-of-factly. Feel the energy course through your body as you say it and feel the tension release from your body caused by holding in your identity.

Sexual Prowess
This cannot be underestimated in its power to make a woman come back for more. The ability to make a girl (or guy) surrender sexually and experience powerful orgasm after orgasm will cause addictive hormones and chemicals like serotonin, oxytocin and dopamine to course throughout their body, and create amazingly positive associations with, and even addictive tendencies towards you.

Sexual Techniques
There are a ton of resources out in the interwebs and beyond on this topic. Perhaps I will address some of these in later blog topics, but for now I will give you the 20,000 foot view.

In this post however, I do ant to make sure to cover the topic of the body. A woman has an unlimited number of erogenous zones around her body—not just her pussy and nipples!! I REPEAT, NOT JUST HER PUSSY AND NIPPLES!!! Too many guys are too eager to shoot for the goal that they overlook all the wonderful electric points all over a woman’s body. Similarly, while it would sometimes seem that men would prefer to shoot from 0-100 in under 5 seconds, foreplay is something that men also enjoy with delicious fervour for it creates an incredible amount of anticipation and excitement.

Slowly and gently exploring your partner’s entire body with your fingers and mouth will bring an enormous amount of sensation to your partner. As a basic rule, think about the most vulnerable spots in the body, where there are veins close to the surface (neck/jugular, inside the knee and elbow joints, where the legs meet the pelvic region, ankles, and inner wrist), and where there are the most nerves (spine, all the way up to the base of the skull). These places are the most sensitive for a reason: to protect the body from cuts, abrasions, and other damage. Apart from the genital areas and nipples, these are by the biggest trigger points to send electricity through her (or his) body. Take your time to explore these areas and you will have a very appreciative partner on your hands.

Sexual Experience
There is a lot to be said for having depth in your sexual experience. A lot of guys may think that watching porn will give them all they need to know about making a girl scream in ecstasy, but when it comes to REAL sex, you’ll find the only screaming she’ll be doing is out of absolute frustration! And for men, a woman that really knows her way around a man’s body is a rare gift that isn’t to be squandered or taken for granted.

In widening your sexual repertoire, one night stands will be the least informative of experiences for you. It doesn’t matter how many partners you chalk up; what is most important is the depth of these connections, and taking the time to get to know a partner, their desires, and their body. Multiple long-term relationships will give you far more understanding of what does and doesn’t work best.

Remember though, communication is vital for truly understanding what does and doesn’t work. Don’t be afraid to ask both for feedback as you are touching her, but also, after the fact. The number one thing to keep in mind though, is DON’T TAKE FEEDBACK PERSONALLY! Feedback is just data, nothing more nothing less. Don’t fear that it is a judgment of you as a person. The more negative feedback you receive, the more opportunities you have to improve your sexual game, so embrace it!

But I am a virgin! you may plead… well, this is yet another topic of discussion I will post about later.

Sexual Responsiveness
Although women understand this more instinctively, men, being the driven, goal-oriented animals we are, often overlook the fact that it’s the process of sex, and not just the orgasm, that makes for good sex. Being able to turn your partner on mentally AND physically is both a science and an art, and it takes a basic awareness, presence of mind, and responsiveness to truly take a man or woman beyond their own perceived limitations of sensation. Watch for their body language and visual cues—is their breathing becoming deeper and faster? Is their body twitching? Are their eyes and head rolling back? Are they grabbing at you with increasing pressure, or practically almost pushing you off? All these are non-verbal cues that tell you so much more about a partner’s pleasure and what does it for him or her than anything else they could say or do.

You should also allow yourself to openly and enthusiastically respond to your partner’s touch and to provide both verbal and non-verbal feedback to enable your partner to learn about what works for you, or else you will just have to put up with sex that just doesn’t ignite your passions.

Sexual Comfort
Sexual Comfort is the single most powerful element in igniting the tiger or tigress within your potential beau. It is built on the foundation of the other two elements, and is basically how you show up in the world as a sexual being. As long as your “frame” (your attitude and reality) is strong, others around you will reflect back your energy with a high level of intensity. The more awkward you are sexually, the more awkward others will feel. Conversely, the more comfortable and confident you are with your sexuality, the more sexually comfortable and confident others will feel around you.

Sexual Normalisation
Remember, sex is the reason we are all on this planet. And it is primarily the hidden motivation behind most of the decisions we make in our life—that high flying job, that fancy car, the sexy looking clothes, we unconsciously make most of these decisions in order to be more attractive to the opposite sex so we can ultimately have sex with them.

As such, taboos around sex are pure nonsense. They are artificial social constructs that have been designed to manipulate our behaviours, to make us more “acceptable” as such. Why should we waste any of our energy following the arbitrary rules of others, while repressing that which is so core to our being?

Try immersing yourself in your local sex-positive community. Trust me, they’re there. Check and other websites online to figure it out. The more you can find and spend time with others that share the same perspectives and even the same kinks, you will realise that deep down on the inside everyone is highly sexual being, even if they are too afraid to show it on the outside.

Remember, sex is natural. Sex is normal. Sex is fun. Sex is to be embraced for the amazing and beautiful gift that it is.

Comfort With The Opposite Sex
People can “smell” desperation, and sense when you have a hidden agenda. This occurs when you are seeking to take sex from somebody, often by unconscious trickery or manipulation, and when that is your primary goal for a given interaction. Women are especially supremely intuitive creatures and they can automatically sense it. You exude desperation when you’re sexual cup is empty and you’re not in control of your state, and when you repress your sexual urges. Even though you are playing the “nice guy/girl” façade perfectly, he or she will sense your agenda due to the inherent incongruence of the outer layer with your inner desire. Thus comfort comes from a place of being non goal oriented towards sex and your interactions, and just letting it flow naturally as it occurs. Feel free to express your desires by all means, but make sure it comes from a relaxed mindset, and not simply based on fulfilling your “needs”.

Place yourself in as many situations with the opposite sex, especially people that you find incredibly attractive. Be there without the goal of taking them home. If you come more from a place of “I just want to find out more about you” and an attitude of “I can take you or leave you”, then you will start to see that people will become more interested in you for having the emotional fortitude of being able to swim in amongst sexual opportunity without constantly grabbing desperately at it.

Sexual Expression
Allow yourself to express yourself sexually, freely and without fear of judgment. There will always be people who will judge you in life, especially when it comes to sexual kinks and preferences, but when you can understand that their judgment comes predominantly from a place of fear (of their own sexual identity) and envy towards your sexual liberation, you can begin to come from a place of strength and ownership over your own sexuality. Besides, if you are a highly sexual being, you are not going to be satisfied being with those who aren’t, and as such a process of self-selection and elimination occurs naturally. Embrace it, or waste your time pursuing people who won’t ultimately help you achieve true happiness in life.

Do not underestimate the power of sexual expression. Your overt sexuality gives license to others to be sexually liberated, to open up and express themselves sexually, and to imagine how it would be to be in a sexual situation with you.

Sexual Escalation
This topic really needs a post of its own at some point. Here I’ll just cover the basic core principles. There are two ways to lose a man or a woman in an interaction. Both are equally deadly in that attraction will be killed off completely.

Firstly, escalating in a sexual manner too bluntly and too quickly. You will scare the bejesus out of the target of your affections, and make them feel terribly uncomfortable. This is particularly true for men, as a mistake many many guys make the moment the door cracks open slightly is that they immediately try and break the rest of the door down. They’re come from a place of desperation and lacking abundance in their sex life.

The second mistake a lot of people make very often is simply not sexually escalating at all! This is possibly even more of a death sentence for any hopes of developing a relationship with someone. It will be assumed that you aren’t “sexually interested” or that you don’t have the muster to make things happen; you will be shunted into “friend zone” territory and any attempt you make to rectify that by escalating too late, will result in a highly awkward and suspicious response from your target—they will wonder why you acted so nicely and suspect you had an agenda all the time.

Unfortunately for men, as young boys we were always told to be sweet and nice to girls, because that’s how your mother taught you. This is not what a woman will respond to. A woman will appreciate a man who has the confidence to step up and express his desires, and to communicate his intent up front, without shyness or embarrassment. If you can’t step it up, you will completely lose her respect as a sexual being.

As for women, since birth you’ve been told that appearing to like sex is promiscuous behaviour and that you’ll be treated like a “slut”. This slut-shaming is just pure nonsense: a sexually confident and together man will appreciate the woman who can surrender to her sexuality and to allow herself to be desired and to feel desire. As humans we were all created through the act of sex and born into this world in order to have sex, and to deny our sexuality is to place heavy shackles on your identity as a sexual being.

So, how is one supposed to sexually escalate then?
Step one, you have to communicate that you are a confident and unashamedly sexual person up front. This is both subtly and overtly communicated on multiple levels, but the main three that you can exercise direct control over are verbal escalation,  physical escalation, and closing.

Within the escalation, you should always be present to the responses you are getting. Calibrate your energy and directness according to how well received you are. If you come on too strong they will shy away. You should always look to escalate slowly but surely—two steps forward, one step back. You want to build anticipation and excitement, without presenting sex as a foregone conclusion.

Verbal Escalation
Are you afraid to talk about sex, or do you talk to it just as an inconsequential matter of fact? This will largely determine how comfortable you come across with your sexuality. Sex should just be a normal and natural part of you and just how you show up in the world. You come across as far more sexually liberated and relaxed with sex the more you just talk about it directly.

Be careful not to scare or offend your potential partner, so a certain amount of smoothness in transition is required as you up the ante. You can talk about sex in a detached manner up front, and you are encouraged to do so in order to establish the baseline as a sexual individual. Using subtle sexual innuendo, and making clever jokes that allude to sex indirectly are a great way to step up the energy. Gradually you’ll be able to transition more into talking directly about sex, and eventually direct questioning about sex to her experiences and desires. They will gradually acclimatise to the discussion and build comfort as they slowly allow themselves to express their own sexuality. This is a form of “pacing and leading”. You’re providing a subtly increasing level of safety and comfort to explore herself.

Physical Escalation
As you are verbally escalating, you need to establish physical connection or the images and thoughts of sexual interaction won’t be anchored or associated with you. You will risk having them go off and find an another guy or girl to sleep with if you don’t do this properly.

As with verbal escalation, physical escalation needs to happen gradually as you naturally acclimatise her to your touch, and needs to be established almost immediately upon meeting the target. A hug, a spin, physical games and subtle touching of her or his forearm as you make a point in your conversation are ways to establish touch. As levels of comfort increase she will allow you to sit closer (though I usually ensure to control seating immediately and establish absolute proximity the moment we sit down), legs touching, then hand lingering on thigh, touching higher up on her arm, etc., until the natural point in conversation necessitates the kiss close.

SO, you ask, HOW DO I TAKE THIS TO THE BEDROOM? That’s an excellent question!!
This is yet another topic worth posting about, so I won’t go into too much detail, except to say, the most effective way to close, especially if you want anything more than just a one night stand, is to initiate the close, pull back half way, and let them come to you the rest of the way. Show your intent without making it seem too important to you that you close them. If you’ve escalated correctly he or she will chase you!

Why is this important? There are several reasons why, and it has to do with basic underlying psychology:

For women, they are very aware that they are physically vulnerable to a man, and as such, they are always anxious towards the possibility of rape. When you demonstrate attractiveness, strength and safety, you allow a woman to come to you on her own terms and feel like she is pursuing you, you can eliminate the issues of last minute resistance and buyer’s remorse which will make her very reticent to follow up with you after having sex. This is the most powerful way to establish a strong foundation that can lead into a longer term interaction.

Men on the other hand have a hunter’s instinct. They want to feel like they initiated the process and seduced the woman. It feeds into their unique sense of ego as a man, and to allow them to feel like they “closed” you is a way you can make them feel they worked for it and to emotionally invest in the interaction thereafter.

Finally, for both men and women alike, a slow, gradual and natural progression towards sex will lessen the risk of the interaction feeling “cheap” or “easy”. You will not only command more respect, but you will also be afforded the luxury of choosing whether or not to continue to build a more lasting relationship or friendship with this person without leaving them feeling that dreaded “buyer’s remorse” typical of the casual one-night stand.

So there you have it. When you can own your sexual identity, demonstrate sexual prowess, express yourself, demonstrate comfort around sexuality, and you can sexually escalate correctly, people will be lining up ready to throw themselves at you.

About The Author

Andrew Mashiko

Andrew Mashiko is Australia's Leading Dating & Lifestyle Coach, and #1 Bestselling author of "The Principles of Authentic Attraction". Andrew created the Core Attraction System to empower individuals to naturally and effortlessly attract their ideal partner through authenticity and embodying their true core identity.